More Than Meets the Eye: Heartfelt Stories of Danish-Thai Intermarriages

Phonphan Thongsumat or “Jum” was 23 when she decided to move to Denmark. As a single

mother with little educational background, she foresaw a bleak future. If she still continued to live

in Thailand, she wouldn’t be able to give her three-year-old son a good childhood. With gallantry,

she decided to take off to a new location 5000 miles away from home. Despite having little money

to make ends meet, she propelled herself onwards with perseverance. Jum kept herself a promise,

once she has steady income, she will bring her son to live with her in Denmark, and embark on a

new chapter of life.

Considering it is Jum’s first time in Europe, life here was not an uphill battle as she imagined it

would be. Here, she got a job as a cleaning lady and met a lot of her fellow countryman whom

helped her grew accustomed to the new culture and environment. A Thai woman whom she met

in Denmark introduced Jum to her future husband. “Nils”, a 31 year-old Danish guy who had

recently gone through a break-up with his long-term Danish girlfriend. After dating Jum for four

months, Nils thought that it was time to settle down. He then decided to ask her to marry him.

Now, 10 years later, Jum and her husband are living happily in Hinnerup, Denmark, together with

Jum’s son who is now 13, and their nine-year-old daughter.

Thai women are the top choice for Danish men when it comes to marrying foreign women.

According to the data from Danish Statistics, from 1999 to 2014, women from Thailand was the

number one choice for 15 consecutive years. Jum, who did not seem surprised by the figures,

suspected that Thai culture is bounded to be one of the reasons.

“I think I know why Danish men like to choose Thai women as their life-partners. Our warming,

considerate and easy-going culture weigh considerable amount on their decisions. Thai people are

very open-minded and understanding towards others, and I think empathy and compassion are

one of the most important factors that make the relationships go well.”

Above: Jum with her son and daughter

Every year, there are many Thai women who travel all the way from their rural hometowns to Europe. Having little access to proper education and training, these women have high hopes of

marrying European men and earning a minimum wage salary. To their minds, western world is

associated with wealth and stability. In a society full of rules and regulations, engaging in an

intermarriage could be their only chance to improve their social status and lifestyle. These Thai

women find their ways to meet Danish men, usually by newspaper advertising placement or

through some friend’s recommendations. Living far away from home, the only way to make sure

that their families are doing alright is to send them back some remittances.

Unlike the positive perception that Thailand receives from other countries in the same region,

what the majority of Danish people know about Thai society is embodied in the stereotypical

marriage between Danish men and Thai women. According to the survey finding Danish people’s

perceptions of Thai female immigrants, many Danes associate Thai women with unskilled labor,

hospitality, friendliness and Thailand’s infamous sex industry.

On the other hand, Danish men who married to the Thai women are seen as crude, odd, deviant,

unattractive characters and cannot find Danish partners. Those who are frustrated by prior

relationships with Danish women see Thai women as an exotic, hard-working and submissive

potential partner. Still practicing old-fashioned gender values and the classic ideals of a maledominated

marriage, this particular groups of Danish men do not seem to mind retaining an

asymmetrical relationship in which husbands hold outright superiority.

As it appears more like a business agreement, rather than a conventional marriage, many people

criticize that it goes against the basic norm of marriage with bilateral commitment and reciprocal

respects. Given that these relationships start off a little differently from usual, often times, Danish-

Thai marriages prove many people wrong. A surprising number of couples are happy together.

Among the cultural challenges, husbands and wives make sure that their lifestyles are compatible

with one another before heading to the altar.

Thai woman: Jum’s experience in Denmark

“We get along surprisingly well with each other. We have the same attitudes about things, even

though they seem trivial, but those things can pile up to be important when two people are

together.” Jum shared the similarity she has with her husband: “Nils and I put a lot of emphasis on

food, we don’t mind wearing torn-out clothes, as long as we fill our stomachs with a full and proper

meal.”

Jum also added that though her marriage did not start off with infatuation like other couples, it surely developed. “I must admit that I did not love my husband at first, but each day my love for

him grew larger and larger.”

She also mentioned a cornerstone of a good relationship. “Sincerity is very important. I believe

that if you are genuine to someone, that person will give their genuineness back to you. I told him

everything what I did before I came to Denmark. I I was young, naïve and I have done some

terrible things, and he accepts me for who I am. I know some couples that the wife tried to

conceal what she did before she met her husband. When he found out, he couldn’t accept it. If

you are going to spend your life with someone, you have to be able to accept their pasts,

otherwise the relationships won’t work.”

Jum and her husband also believe that respecting each other is a fundamentally crucial element of

a healthy relationship. Traditionally, in Thailand, husbands are accustomed to be the “front legs of

an elephant,” an idiom which refers husband as the leader of the family. Men are responsible for

earning money to support the house, while women work in the kitchen and doing household

works. Although this gender role classification has slowly diminished from the Thai society, the

male-dominated attitude is still entrenched in the mindset of many Thai people. Growing up in an

environment with strong patriarchal values, Jum yearns for her independency and own decision

makings.

“From my previous dating experiences, I feel that there is a big difference between being in a

relationship with a Thai and a Danish man. As a woman, I really need my partner to listen and

respect my opinions. I feel that my husband and I are able to have an open discussion about things

even though we don’t agree with each other all the time. We accept each other’s different

opinions and do not take them personally. Thai men I have dated seemed to be very egoistic and

easily intimidated by women with greater confidence or abilities.”

Another aspect of their relationships that raises a few eyebrows among people, is the question of

the equality of their relationships. Jum disclosed that it really depends from couples to couples,

but in her case and a lot of couples that she knows, both parties share fairly equal responsibilities.

Jum is in charge of her children’s personal expenses while her husband takes care of other bills.

They also agreed on the division of housework.

“Nils and I routinely take turns in cooking. I usually cook Thai food for him, while he cooks Danish

food for me. I think when we sort our duties out like this, no one is giving another a hard time, and

both of us are happy.” Nonetheless, she addressed that the giving nature of Thai culture might

falsely presents Thai women as being submissive and easy to manipulate. However, she pointed

out that it is far from true. “It is in our accommodating culture that we like to take care of other

people and make them feel happy. But that does not mean that we are easy to take advantage of.

When we do something to someone, we do it with our hearts. I would stand up for myself if

someone oppresses me or pushes me around. Though I don’t earn a lot of money but that does

not mean I am less of a human.”

Jum also added that people should not generalize and make presumptions about the image of Thai

women who are married to European men. “Thai women who came here have different stories

and backgrounds. Some have to earn money to pay for their sick parents’ treatments, while others

must support their children’s life expenses. We moved here to provide a better livelihood for our

families. Before criticizing us, please try to understand our situations first.”

Danish man: Per’s experience with his Thai wife

Per had to attend an overseas business meeting like usual. Travelling to different places to attend

international conferences was a common routine for him who worked in Logistics. However,

things were a little different this time, after his meeting in Kuala Lumpur, he planned to have a

one-week vacation in Bangkok as a kick back of his long and intense career. His intention was

nothing but to make the most out of the vacation he had long been craving for. Little did he know,

he was about to meet the love of this life.

Per met his wife “Fon” at a Thai restaurant in Bangkok 10 years ago. After talking to her for a

while, he decided to stay in touch with her long distance until he invited her to come to Denmark.

Now they are happily married with a daughter and a son. Travelling with his wife to visit her family

and relatives, Per has become a regular visitor of Thailand. Having experiences connecting with

the locals, he said he is fallen in love with the Thai culture.

“I have always known Thailand for their people’s friendliness and its exceptional hospitality and

service, but there is something way more fascinating about their culture apart from that.” Per

shared his affection for Thai society. “It’s amazing how Thai people can stay positive even in the

worst situation. They are an extremely cheerful group of people. Whenever you are around them,

you can’t help but embrace their joyful ambience.”

Thailand is a tight-bonded society in which people are taught to maintain a positive relationship by

building a compassionate connection with others. Scandinavian countries on the other hand, take

pride in their autonomy and individualism.

The two polar opposites of Danish and Thai cultures may seem like an unlikely match in some people’s eyes, nonetheless, Per thinks otherwise. He explains that these contradicting mentalities complement

each other well in the case of him and his wife. The relativism of Thai

culture brings closeness to the relationship which provides a solid ground for their marriage.

Above: Nils with Jum's son, and their daughter

“I have been married to a Danish woman before. It went well at first but as time went by, we gradually grew apart from each other. In hindsight, we were both very busy on works and let our bad energies overcome our relationship. One day we just felt the disconnection that it is too late to heal.”

Per also adds that as Danish women tend to be independent, frequently he wants to feel the

yearning and appreciation from his wife: “It’s good that your wife is self-reliant, but once in a

while a man needs to know that his wife needs his comfort and protection.”

Peter Hervik, an author of “Danish knowledge about Thai people: Interracial Marriage” a chapter

which appeared in Rethinking Asian Tourism: Culture, Encounters and Local Response, pointed out

that Danish men who are in a relationship with Thai women do not necessarily always appear as

being “unattractive”, or “ineligible” like a lot of people think. However, some of them are likely to

be fed-up with the Danish dating routine and see Thai women as potential partners due to

certain characteristics Thai women have.

“At the conference in Thailand, I met with a Thai scholar who had been in the Nordic countries

interviewing men. They found the men very capable and resourceful. However, they are

dissatisfied with the “egoistic”, “demanding” Danish women. There is no doubt that the men go to

Thailand to find Thai women because of their personality of caring, gentle, generosity and that

they will listen, follow and obey husbands, in what one could best see as conservative or

traditional. What happens in practice may easily not live up to this.”

Similar to every spouses, Per said his marriage life is not all roses. There are some arguments or

disagreements to deal with as well as some good times and memories. However, he thinks that it

is completely normal for every couples as long as both parties learn how to compromise and make

up in the end.

When asked what he thinks about the negative image that people have of Danish-Thai

marriages, he confidently answered: “To be honest, I don’t really care what people think about my

marriage life, because I can’t control their thoughts. I love my wife merely because of her

kindness, attitude and sense of humor, and if she knows this, that is all that matters to me.”